maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
