Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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