I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
