i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
