I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
