I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
