he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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