Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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