i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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