He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Randomize
