i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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