the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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