I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize