I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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