Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
