It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
