Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
