I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
