Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
