why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
