just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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