I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
