she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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