can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
