this just has baby written all over it
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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