fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
