my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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