i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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