I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
