I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
