My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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