Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I will die if light touches me.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize