now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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