The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
