Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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