I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
