He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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