If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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