My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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