checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
