I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
