1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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