his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
