my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My cat gives me a boner
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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