Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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