i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
