I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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