I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
