You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
