i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
