what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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