Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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