I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
