I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize
