And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
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