As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
