if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
