i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
