Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
